Is Your Partner Resistant to Therapy? Tips for Encouraging Them to Give It a Try
If you’re considering therapy to improve your relationship, it likely means you care deeply about your partner and want to work on building a stronger, healthier bond. But what if your partner doesn’t share the same enthusiasm? Maybe they’ve expressed reluctance or outright refused the idea of going to therapy. If that’s the case, you might feel frustrated, misunderstood, or even a bit discouraged.
As a licensed marriage and family therapist, I’ve seen this scenario many times. One partner is eager to seek help, while the other remains hesitant. But don’t lose hope. Having one partner initially resistant to therapy doesn’t mean your relationship can’t benefit from professional support. In fact, there are ways to approach the topic that might open your partner up to the idea and help them feel more comfortable about giving it a try.
In this post, I’ll share practical strategies for introducing the concept of therapy to a hesitant spouse, fostering a productive and compassionate conversation about its benefits, and addressing some of the most common fears or misconceptions that may be fueling their resistance.
Understanding Why Your Partner Might Be Resistant
Before diving into how to talk to your partner about therapy, it’s helpful to understand some of the reasons they might be resistant in the first place. Everyone’s reasons are different, but some common themes include:
Fear of Judgment or Blame: Many people worry that therapy will turn into a blame game, where the therapist “takes sides” or points out their flaws and mistakes.
Stigma Around Therapy: For some, there’s still a stigma associated with seeking therapy. They may see it as an admission of failure or believe that therapy is only for people with severe problems.
Feeling Overwhelmed: Life is already busy and stressful. Adding therapy to the mix can feel overwhelming, and your partner may worry about the time, energy, and emotional investment involved.
Denial or Minimization: Your partner may genuinely believe that the relationship isn’t in bad shape, or they may not see the same issues you do. This can lead to a “why fix what’s not broken?” mindset.
Fear of Change: Therapy can bring about change, and change—whether good or bad—can feel scary. Your partner may fear that therapy will lead to uncomfortable truths or force them to confront aspects of themselves or the relationship they’ve been avoiding.
Step 1: Start with a Compassionate Mindset
Before you bring up the idea of therapy, take a moment to center yourself. Approaching your partner from a place of compassion, rather than frustration or desperation, will set the tone for a more open and productive conversation. Remember, your partner’s resistance doesn’t necessarily mean they don’t care about the relationship—it may just mean they’re feeling afraid, unsure, or even a little vulnerable.
Keep your focus on why you want to pursue therapy: not to “fix” your partner, but to strengthen your connection and make the relationship better for both of you.
Step 2: Choose the Right Time and Setting
Timing is everything. Bringing up therapy in the heat of an argument or when your partner is already stressed is unlikely to be effective. Instead, choose a calm, private moment when you’re both relaxed and able to focus on the conversation. This might be over a quiet weekend breakfast or during a walk together.
Start the conversation by sharing your feelings and intentions, using “I” statements to avoid sounding accusatory or demanding. For example:
“I’ve been feeling like we’re a bit disconnected lately, and I would love for us to feel closer again.”
“I really value our relationship, and I think having a neutral space to talk about our needs could be really helpful.”
Step 3: Share Your Own Experience or Perspective
If you’ve been to therapy yourself (either individually or with another therapist in the past), sharing your positive experiences can help normalize the idea and reduce stigma. Talk about how therapy made you feel understood, helped you gain new insights, or taught you valuable communication tools.
If you’ve never been to therapy, you can still frame the conversation from your own perspective:
“I feel like we’ve both been trying our best, but we’re still running into the same challenges. Maybe therapy could help us see things from a new angle?”
This approach shifts the focus from your partner’s perceived resistance to a shared opportunity for growth.
Step 4: Address Their Concerns Directly
If your partner voices specific concerns, listen carefully and validate their feelings, even if you don’t fully agree. Avoid dismissing their worries by saying things like, “Oh, it’ll be fine” or “Just try it for me.” Instead, try responding in a way that shows you understand:
Concern: “I’m worried the therapist will blame me for everything.”
Response: “I can see why you’d feel that way. I don’t want that either. Good therapists don’t blame—they help both people feel heard and understood. We can choose someone together to make sure it’s a good fit.”
Concern: “I don’t have time for therapy. My schedule is already packed.”
Response: “I totally get it. I know how busy we both are, but I think it’s important that we carve out time for us. Even if we just try a few sessions, it might help us feel less stressed in the long run.”
By addressing concerns thoughtfully, you’re showing that you respect their perspective and want to make this decision together.
Step 5: Offer to Do the Initial Research
The process of finding a therapist can feel overwhelming, especially for someone who’s already unsure about the idea. Offer to take the lead on finding potential therapists, gathering information, and setting up an initial consultation. You can even suggest starting with a few phone calls or virtual consultations so your partner can get a feel for different therapists without committing right away.
Another option is to suggest starting with a marriage and family therapist who offers short-term or solution-focused sessions. Knowing that therapy doesn’t have to be a long-term commitment can make it feel more approachable.
Step 6: Suggest a Trial Period
Sometimes the idea of committing to therapy indefinitely is what feels daunting. Instead, suggest a trial period—say, three to five sessions—to see how it feels. Frame it as an experiment rather than a permanent commitment:
“What if we just tried three sessions and then re-evaluated? If it doesn’t feel helpful, we can look at other options.”
This approach can reduce the pressure and make it easier for your partner to say “yes” without feeling trapped.
Step 7: Focus on the Positive Outcomes
When talking about therapy, highlight the potential benefits, such as better communication, a deeper connection, and more enjoyable time together. For example:
“I miss feeling as close as we used to. I think therapy could help us understand each other better so we can get back to that place.”
If your partner is particularly resistant, avoid making therapy sound like a solution for your “problems.” Instead, present it as a way to invest in the positive aspects of your relationship.
Step 8: Consider Individual Therapy First
If your partner is still resistant to the idea of couples therapy, consider starting with individual therapy for yourself. Sometimes, working on your own responses and communication patterns can have a positive ripple effect on the relationship. And in some cases, seeing the positive changes in you might encourage your partner to become more open to therapy for themselves.
Remember: Patience and Compassion Go a Long Way
Encouraging a hesitant partner to consider therapy isn’t always easy, but it’s important to approach the conversation with patience and compassion. They may need time to process the idea, and that’s okay. By showing respect, understanding their concerns, and focusing on the shared goal of a stronger relationship, you’re already taking a positive step toward growth—together.
If your partner ultimately agrees to give therapy a try, celebrate that as a small victory. It takes courage to step outside one’s comfort zone, and even a single step forward can pave the way for deeper healing and connection in your relationship.
