5 Signs Your Partner May Be Struggling with Unresolved Trauma: A Therapist’s Perspective
As a marriage therapist specializing in trauma recovery, I’ve worked with many couples who face challenges that stem from one or both partners struggling with unresolved trauma. Trauma, whether from childhood experiences, past relationships, or other significant life events, can deeply impact how someone relates to themselves, their partner, and the world around them. When trauma remains unresolved, it often shows up in subtle (and not-so-subtle) ways within a relationship, affecting communication, trust, intimacy, and overall connection.
Recognizing the signs that your partner may be dealing with unresolved trauma is the first step in understanding and supporting them on their healing journey. In this blog post, I will explore five key signs that your partner might be struggling with unresolved trauma, and offer some guidance on how to approach these challenges with empathy and support.
1. Emotional Reactivity or Unpredictable Mood Swings
One of the most common signs of unresolved trauma is emotional reactivity. Your partner may seem easily triggered by situations that wouldn’t normally warrant such strong reactions, such as becoming disproportionately angry, sad, or anxious over minor inconveniences. These intense emotional responses are often tied to past traumatic experiences and can feel confusing or frustrating for both partners in the relationship.
Trauma survivors often find it difficult to regulate their emotions because their nervous system remains in a heightened state of alertness. This is a defense mechanism that, while once necessary for survival, can become maladaptive in everyday situations.
How to Support Your Partner:
If you notice your partner is experiencing mood swings or is highly reactive, try to approach them with empathy rather than judgment. Understand that their reactions are not necessarily about the present moment but may be linked to unresolved past trauma. Encouraging open and non-judgmental communication can help them feel safe to share their feelings and triggers. Remember to reassure them that you’re there to support them, not to criticize or blame them for their emotional responses.
2. Avoidance Behaviors and Emotional Withdrawal
Another sign that your partner may be struggling with unresolved trauma is avoidance behavior. They might avoid certain places, people, or topics that remind them of their traumatic experiences. This can also manifest as emotional withdrawal—where your partner seems distant, unresponsive, or disconnected from you and the relationship.
Avoidance is a common coping mechanism used to protect oneself from the pain associated with traumatic memories. However, in a relationship, this can lead to feelings of loneliness and disconnection for both partners. You might notice that your partner avoids discussing specific topics, becomes evasive when asked about their feelings, or withdraws from physical intimacy or social interactions.
How to Support Your Partner:
Approach avoidance with sensitivity. Instead of pushing your partner to confront their trauma directly, encourage small steps toward openness and connection. Create a safe space where they feel comfortable expressing their emotions without fear of judgment or pressure. You might also suggest joint activities that foster connection and trust, such as taking a walk together, practicing mindfulness, or participating in a shared hobby. Patience and understanding are key in helping your partner feel secure enough to engage more fully in the relationship.
3. Difficulty Trusting Others or Feeling Safe
Unresolved trauma can make it incredibly challenging for someone to trust others or feel safe in their relationships. Your partner may constantly question your intentions, feel suspicious without reason, or have a pervasive fear of abandonment or betrayal. This can lead to them being overly cautious, needing constant reassurance, or displaying controlling behaviors.
These trust issues often stem from past experiences where their trust was broken or they were harmed by someone close to them. This creates a heightened sense of vulnerability in relationships and makes it hard for them to believe that others can be trustworthy and safe.
How to Support Your Partner:
Building trust with someone who has unresolved trauma takes time and consistency. Show them through your actions that you are reliable, consistent, and safe. Avoid making promises you can’t keep, as this could reinforce their fears of betrayal or abandonment. Reassure them with your presence, honesty, and commitment to the relationship. Over time, with patience and understanding, your partner may begin to feel safer and more secure in your relationship.
4. Hypervigilance and Overthinking
Hypervigilance is another common symptom of unresolved trauma. Your partner may always seem “on edge,” constantly scanning their environment for potential threats, or may struggle with overthinking or ruminating on worst-case scenarios. This heightened state of alertness is a natural response to trauma, where the body and mind remain in a constant state of readiness to protect against perceived danger.
In a relationship, hypervigilance can lead to your partner being overly sensitive to changes in tone, body language, or behavior, and interpreting these changes as signs of danger or rejection. They may also struggle with decision-making, fearing negative outcomes or consequences.
How to Support Your Partner:
If your partner exhibits signs of hypervigilance or overthinking, try to remain calm and reassuring. Avoid dismissing their fears or anxieties; instead, validate their feelings by acknowledging that it makes sense for them to feel this way given their past experiences. Offer comfort and support, and encourage them to explore grounding techniques, such as deep breathing or mindfulness exercises, that can help bring them back to the present moment.
5. Physical Symptoms and Health Issues
Trauma doesn’t just affect the mind; it can also have profound impacts on the body. Many individuals with unresolved trauma may experience a range of physical symptoms, such as chronic pain, headaches, gastrointestinal issues, or fatigue. These symptoms are often the body’s way of manifesting emotional pain and stress.
In addition, your partner may struggle with sleep disturbances, such as insomnia or nightmares, which can exacerbate feelings of anxiety, depression, or irritability. They may also exhibit signs of substance abuse, as they might turn to alcohol, drugs, or other addictive behaviors to cope with their trauma.
How to Support Your Partner:
Encourage your partner to seek professional help if they are experiencing persistent physical symptoms or health issues. This could include consulting with a therapist who specializes in trauma recovery or a healthcare provider to address physical symptoms. Promoting healthy lifestyle habits, such as regular exercise, a balanced diet, and adequate sleep, can also support their overall well-being. Be a source of encouragement and support as they work to address both their physical and emotional health.
Conclusion
Recognizing the signs that your partner may be struggling with unresolved trauma is an essential step toward supporting them on their journey to healing. Remember, unresolved trauma can manifest in various ways—emotional reactivity, avoidance, trust issues, hypervigilance, and physical symptoms. Approaching these signs with empathy, understanding, and patience can help create a safe and supportive environment for your partner.
If you suspect your partner is dealing with unresolved trauma, consider seeking the guidance of a professional therapist who specializes in trauma recovery. Therapy intensives, particularly those using methods like Accelerated Resolution Therapy (ART), can provide rapid symptom relief and help your partner work through their trauma in a safe and controlled setting.
Ultimately, healing from trauma is a journey that requires time, patience, and the support of loved ones. By being attentive to your partner’s needs and providing a compassionate and understanding presence, you can play a crucial role in their recovery and help foster a stronger, more resilient relationship.
